way to go

here i am
start to finish
i can do this
this looks hard
but i shouldnt turn back because ive only just begun
this is hard i want to o back but i can do it
it wont last much longer
i should turn back while im ahead
am i ahead?
how far away is the end?
closer than the beginning?
is it worth finishing

fucking you

(i never posted this for fear of hurting someones feelings. the poem is more important now.)
(also i read this aloud to a room of people once and it was the most physically and emotionally draining experience of my whole life. it was terrible and i think i died.)

these four hairs
they fall from my dirty mind
when i finger through it
because my scalp is greasy
so skin collects underneath my nails
with the dirt
and the thoughts 
of the day
i could file you there
because you, like them
have nothing to say

i felt your love
when you confided in me
and now i know you'll say it
but i wont feel it
when you slide it in me

you're making empty gestures
my mouth is already full
of you
and me and us

a fiery cliff held us

ash melts us down
but my eyes stay cloudy

haze fogged

mind clogged
senses to overwhelmed to do anything at all
im sorry i let us stay here too long

so you know what i mean when i say "im sorry":

feeling the fear thrown,
flying from your face

gravity let go, for once, of the weight
your life holds and i watched it float
slowly upwards suspended

where it would land
wasnt the irrelevant chance
i associated with mine
when balancing alone

suddenly the dizzy drop
was what i have to show

not words of affection
 or cups of coffee

but a collision with the ability
to leave all life void
used with object
kissed goodnight